SO SICK

In my hood, emotions are always teaming at the brim

And when they spill over, tears are shed, but the headlights become a little more dim

But in fact, the hood is raw and the tears are a part of this life

We can pull strings, but the road to redemption becomes seperated

A mother tears for the life thats expects

Motherhood is sacred, and beautifully protected

And she offers the world a life to make it better

With sweat, blood, and love motherhood becomes her sweater

My brother use to be distant, disconnected and unconventional

I was not a part of a brotherhood, but rather alone

Then one day he and I woke up and became real

And once the dreams stopped, we landed on steady ground

In my hood, I keep those strings real loose

So I can see out into the world with both eyes

And Im kept warm by the fabric of those around me

And the insignia and tags let others know where my hood was made

Its from my hood, that allows me to see motherhood, and experience brotherhood

Because when those strings become tight

And the fabric of others love tears away

Its the strength of brotherhood that rescues me

And its the tears of motherhood that pieces me back together

So when I take off my hood, the fabric still exists

And the tags are still visible

The two strings that give me tunnel vision have no affect

But when I pull my hands behind my head, the hood comes back on

So I understand why the hood is important and what it protects

Because its whats in the hood that matters most

And the elements of the hood can be rough

So let it rain, I can take the pain

I awoke with a beating heart gasping for air….I grabbed the wall to make sure it was really there…it was just a dream.

But it was more than a dream…it was a subconscious response to a life that was heading in the wrong direction…a car crash.

It was so vivid that it felt like I lived it.  The clothes we wore, the argument we had, the drunk girl in the backseat, the road, the tunnel, the beep, her look, the white van, the hit, the spin, the flip,….the silence.

And I laid next to her unable to sleep because I didn’t know what it meant for me…for us.  The Bible says don’t trust in dreams but maybe we’re more awake when we’re sleep compared to walking around trying to fake it to make it…..so afraid to just….break it…off.

I never told her what the dream was, and then again she never asked….and maybe that should have been a sign.  Two days later I went on-line to find perhaps the reason for this dream to ease my mind.

I found no comfort.  For a car crash in a dream means your going down the wrong road. And when someone else is driving your car…you’re not in control….that means something has to change.

And change it did.  I took the wheel of my car back, which is funny cuz I don’t even have a license.  But that car crash was a reflection of the future so I put it in the past.  It took a dream to help me realize that sometimes we can’t let God drive…but He is always our GPS system. 

There is no seat belt tight or strong enough to embrace the impact of lost love, but the safety bag helps.

I can no longer deny the mysterious

Like denying a child’s tears

I can not look up to the sky and just see clouds, or a sun, stars or moon

There is more to this life then what they say, beyond the rain, or pain of lightning

I am priviledged because I can not deny the mysterious

When I bled my double helix into mother earth,

Her single heal-licks in forms of kisses nurished me back to life

I use to think too much and kiss too little

Because the mysterious was not a fact, but a phantom of unpleasurable pauses

Into my thoughts I would rationalize, but into her warm bossom she would emphasize

“Wake up and drink my breathe,”

Just so I could know the mysterious I had to take a chance

And have a shattering heart-attack to collapse my intellect

And when I woke up, mother earth smiled, with a greeting of ocean blues

And I went body surfing,

When I broke into her ocean, her salt burned me with its love

I know the mysterious and she knows me back

Her aging smile will stay awhile as my life detracts

Into the filtering lines that bustle down below

I no longer wonder about the mysterious, I can finally let go

So when I cry myself to sleep reaching for the stars

Mother earth lends a hand and lets gravity do his part

That I may know my limitations but allow myself to be free

Because love can fade, or go away or bow me to a knee

But it was mother earth that taught me to love the mysterious

To not change minds, but be healed with signs that can not seen or heared

But when her salt burned my eyes, my heart would cry, why did I ever do this

Now I respect whats not known, and will it daily, watching from above

And never forget how I wept and knowing that I once loved

I neither fear nor fret of ache, though constant it may remain

In my veins, my blood runs pains that icicles would be jealous of

Yet love once again, steams out my tips so my fingers turn from numb

So I can feel love’s weathering ways and keep myself in step

For when I’m cold, I turn to the mysterious and she drinks in my breathe

Music flows through me into an atmosphere of stars

Each hand has a mind of its own, one to write, the other to orchestrate

Both in symmetry, none leading, none proceeding

Just waving in the stroke of God’s genius

Flowing through me into an atmosphere of stars

Orchestrating my mind to write, in the right direction

Proceeding into soft symmetrical shapes

In God’s genius I lay

Through me into an atmosphere of stars

Owning my direction, so I leave orchestrating my mind

Still I deny leading, but still proceeding

Waving now, a spectator of God’s genius

An atmosphere of stars is where my mind rests

Because thats where notes stop making noise, but make love

And each hand is electric to the touch

And each melody is a lake where I dip my hands into

So please lay my awakened body into a fitful sleep

So for once my hands can make the music of love

Daaaayum, I want a croissant

Or!! better yet a strawberry banana coolata

No, no, no.  How bout a racist bigot ranting cuz she can’t use the BATHROOM

It’s almost like she thinks this whole Dunkin’ Donuts is HER ROOM

Since she’s letting the shit that should be coming out in the BATHroom

Come out of her mouth

In hella politically incorrect

With hate resulting like cause and effect

Caused by a potty mouth of ethnically select

Racial slurs

This case of the LITERAL potty mouth tugs at my

rebellious Lapu Lapu i’m gonna put a spear in you for

colonizing my pilipino people like you were Magellan

NERVES

She said “GO BACK TO YOUR BANANA COUNTRY”

F    Y    I

for your dimwitted ignorant trippy mind

I’d like you to define

Banana Country

Because check this my not so bright indolent friend

She’s Nepali

Friendly, and frankly

A lot better than you

Because that look she gave you, that confident stare

Whoooooo

With Rosa Parks reminiscent

More powerful than any weapon in the world omniscient

ADD the modern day HEROINE and carry the care for everyONE

For a Condaleeza Rice coefficient, equals

Unbreakable Confidence

You do the math

Numbers and common sense aside, the real is

You just got surrggghhhved

Thank you for coming to Dunkin Donuts’

Please come again

It was a pleasure watching you get served

geez, that look ::shivers::

It was in the garden that I woke up from a deep sleep.

And I touched my side and realized that I was missing something.

But then I saw her….

I looked into her eyes hoping to stay awhile.

Searching beyond the surface with a soulful purpose,

But I got back a stare as if she didn’t care, unaware of what I had to share.

She wanted that temporal feeling when I was trying to get eternal healing.

But at times I settled just for the touch, though it never amounted to much.

Then she left the garden, and my heart hardened.

Now this pain in my side intensifies,

As I wait for that somebody to return to my body, for from the rib of man came woman.

I use to think in “The Cool”

With Miles Davis at the helm

And Jazz Musicians floating notes

Always smooth, never dead

But now I think in raging wars

With blasts so loud my ears have sight

From the beginnings of the deafening notes

I no longer tense, but receive her ways

Description defies what I know

In melodies so soft and true

Bring me tables full of arms

And a house to anchor the hands of earth

I use to see in blinding light

Like the sungod that I am

But even sungods need to sleep at night

So I retreated into unknown lands

And now I see the glasshouse woes

Exposure to the living truth

That every man has a plan, but none ever see them through

Now I think of Miles Davis

And all of those who lay in stone

The rock and ground may make no sound

But their melodies have found a home

Now I live among the dirt and rocks

To taste their creative breathe

And extract some sort of influence

Hoping they have something left

And when I kick back and listen to their soulful vibe

And listen to Gillespie’s high

I get so low it becomes the night

His rhythm always keeps me down

In a midnight trance below the ground

And when I rise to make the day

Its Louis Armstrong that greets me

His gravitational voice lends me no choice

To look at the world beneathe me

And if you get the chance to see

Let there be one sense

Just close your eyes, and feel the vibe

Quell the inner sun

Just lose your touch and breathe the color

And let it sharply hit your sides

So when you bring yourself down to earth

Let St. Louis be your home

Follow the dirt and rock, and he’ll lead you to his throne

I think I’m right when I say

I’m in a state of mass confusion.

Because right now on my plate

I have more things than I can seem to delineate

From work to my family

To my faith that keeps on struggling

My friends keep callin

While I’m constantly stallin

To let them become tangled

In this chaos that is—

My life.

That’s not to say however,

That they too,

Are not bearing their own worries…

Because everyone has their own stories

Of their journeys.

But I’m just saying,

For right now,

My journey is one

I need to venture out on my own.

And excuse me for not giving you the 411

And the updated Facebook status

Of—Sasha—

But I’m fine right now

Having me in my own business.

Don’t get me wrong,

I appreciate your concern,

But, you gotta realize

That it’s my turn

To do what I need to.

So here’s you,

And here’s me,

And here are the things I need to do.

It sounds kinda selfish,

But my mama always told me,

Giving yourself away without giving time to yourself

Is the recipe to disaster.

And believe me, I was well on my way,

Needing to pull out much faster

Than the rate I was going.

I think I caught myself just in time—

Or at least I hope I did.

I’m not gonna lie,

Even when I really tried,

I could never find the right balance.

It was always,

I’ll focus on academics,

Or I’ll focus on clubs,

Or my love life,

Or my family…

And whenever I focused on one,

The rest seemed to falter

And always came short

Rather than farther

Than my expectations.

There’s no room for that now,

I’m not gonna wait around much longer.

My time is now, so I have to be stronger.

Ya hold me back?

I’ll keep moving past you,

There are no maybes,

But more, I have to’s…

See I’m the kinda girl

That needs to move forward

No wasting time,

Missing deadlines,

And settling for “just fine”.

So after this uncharacteristic

Stage of mine

I realized I’ve been missing out on my life,

The way I would want to live it.

I’m fightin for that now

And only I can show me how

That’s gonna go down.

I got it, I’m ready,

I’ve almost got this figured out…

Just let me be,

And without a doubt

The world is gonna see

What I am really about.

Great depressions, great lies.

A great struggle we live to see

Never ending, never dies.

Oppression, depression, recession of logicity

Shred, rend, bleed, blend, spit, hit, fire.

Idle hands sinful, ignorant minds transpire

The Rape and butcher of peace, one two punch for another.

My god is better than your god.

Morality by force.

Praise the Lord and pass that ammunition

In the name of faith

In God’s name shall it be.

We like war

No, scratch that, we love war.

Not on, or with, or against.

In, my friend, it is in.

No value, no worth.

Worry not, harmless it is.

The war is going quite well,

The next question, anyone? Begin.

I create movement by being still

And listening to what harmony has to tell me

And trust me, she plays around

She says, “everyone wants a piece of my action”

“Yet it starts by de-acting, with not a single thought”

“You want me honey, get serious with your peace”

“And raise that peace from your head, out, and release”